Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Feb 7, 2012 International DEAR JOHN Your Missionary Day!

International Dear John Your Missionary Day!
At times of crisis we must all help those in need. There are people drowning in the typhoon of financial difficulties who need our help. And when I say people, I mean the Post Office because 'corporations are people.' To help alleviate this very real problem I am suggesting we all make Feb 14 aka Valentine’s Day aka Single Awareness Day also International Dear John Your Missionary Day. IDJYM Day for short.

Maybe you have noticed it in my last letters. Maybe you are wondering 'Why would a missionary EVER want a Dear John?' Well here is the truth - one Dear John can hurt. Seeing a fellow missionary get a Dear John causes all of us fellow missionaries to feel sorry for the unlucky recipient and smile inside because it could never happen to us. TWO Dear Johns brings a few jokes about the recipient being a player and spreads out the hurt feelings, but more than two Dear Johns brings about the WTH (What the heck) effect on fellow missionaries. It can become a source of bragging. Missionaries will start to ask 'How many DJ's did you get this week. (DJ of course means Dear John, us missionaries love our ab's aka abbreviations. Common ABs are DL - District leader, AP - Assistant to the President, and DLNIHA - Don't look now it's him again.)

Now your next question may be ‘How can I write the best Dear John possible?’ Good question. Every Dear John should have four things:

1 - It should start with a crossed out Dear John, John being replaced with the missionary’s name.

2 - A statement about you having to move on.

3 - A statement about why you are moving on. AKA for person/job/toaster.

4 - A laughable statement about how the missionary will be able to focus better on his/her mission.

Now that you know how, you will be thinking, of course Elder/Sister _____ doesn't want a Dear John from Me. If you just thought this, you would be wrong. (Except if you really are in a relationship with that missionary in which case you are exempted from IDJYM Day) Missionaries have a ridiculous love for any letter they get on their mission. We are funny that way.

Of course all of this is aimed at helping the people. Our friends the Post Office.

Elder Ball

PS The 'Corporations are People' was mainly intended for my aunt Marjorie. I hope to hear a clever remark about that in my next letter. If you don't understand the statement, google it.

PPS Way to go Aunt Sandy for being the first person to send me one.

PPPS We are going for the world record of Dear Johns people! Let's make this happen!

Attached are two pictures. One of them is a hint about what my letter will be about next week.

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